And our new number is....

I am so excited and yet scared to death. So far in this process I have felt like I am getting farther away from my daughter than closer to her. There was so much excitement getting the paperwork done and then getting on the list. I felt really close to the process. This wait has seemed to distance me some. It is like I couldn't let myself be too excited or I might never make it through the wait. It will be 20 weeks on the waiting list for us Monday. I know it doesn't seem that long, but it has been an eternity in my shoes. I think I better let myself start getting excited again. It is going to happen. maybe not this month or next, but soon. I better go get those shots I guess!!!!

Born in September

Take a moment to watch this. It is a very creative way to get people to help!

The September Campaign Trailer - www.borninseptember.org from charity: water on Vimeo.
The September Campaign Trailer from charity: water on Vimeo.

The September campaign is a birthday initiative started by charity: water, a non-profit bringing clean, safe drinking water to people in developing nations. We're asking everyone born in September to give up presents and ask for donations to build wells instead. We're hoping to raise $1.5 million in one month and give 150 thousand people in Ethiopia access to clean drinking water. To learn more or sign up, go to borninseptember.org.

Hands & Feet

An image flashed across my TV screen
Another broken heart comes in to view
I saw the pain and I turned my back
Why can't I do the things I want to?
I'm willing yet I'm so afraid
You give me strength
When I say

I want to be your hands
I want to be your feet
I'll go where you send me
I'll go where you send me

And I try, yeah I try
To touch the world like
You touched my life
And I find my way
To be your hands

I've abandoned every selfish thought
I've surrendered every thing I've got
You can have everything I am
And perfect everything I'm not
I'm willing, I'm not afraid
You give me strength
When I say

I want to be your hands
I want to be your feet
Ill go where you send me
I'll go where you send me

This is the lifetime
I turned my back on you
From now on, I'll go so
Send me where you want me to
I finally have a mission
I promise I'll complete
I don't need excuses
When I am your hands and feet
(Audio Adrenaline)

So it seems these days that music speaks to me about God's word more than anything else. Yesterday at church, our pastor used this song to illustrate that God does great things and most of these things are done by using us. We are His hands and feet here on earth. We are here to be His hands and feet among those He has given us to lift up. Sometimes He asks us to go and do difficult things and be among people we might not normally be around. He asks us to get uncomfortable for Him. If you look at the Jesus in the New Testament, he did not stay in the church and speak to those who believed in Him. Jesus went out to those who were sick. He ate with those others deemed unclean. None of us are perfect and we have no right to think of ourselves as better than the person sitting next to us or judge others for their sins. I will sing this song again, but today it will be a renewed proclamation to my Lord and Savior.

Comfort

We all find comfort in different ways and through different people. Today, God used a pastor at the family camp we attended to remind me of how big, powerful, and amazing our God is. She was talking about how those of us who are parents love their children. We love them with a great big love. A love bigger than anything else we might know. The love that we know for our children is amazing and unconditional. As big as our love for them is though, it is nothing compared to God's. The love that He has for our children is 10 times bigger than anything we could even imagine feeling. I found comfort being reminded that although I can't physically hold my daughter right now, she is being held and loved in the arms of her Creator and His love for her is greater than anything I could ever imagine.

A Thomas Edison moment

So do you ever have those times in your life when something just clicks and you have this revelation that almost seems silly it is so simple, but for you it took a ridiculous amount of time to understand? Well this journey of adoption has pushed me toward two such revelations that only took me 33 years to wrap my brain around. Not too bad-huh?

My whole life I have tried to do everything on my own. I have been self-reliant, self-sufficient, and independent. I discussed with my small group this past week about what a hard time I have asking for help. I guess I feel weak if I can't do it on my own. I also feel like I would be putting people out by asking them for help. They pointed out to me that even God is not alone. There is the trinity-God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. And then Jesus not only relied on God but also walked alongside those 12 men-you know the disciples? So if Jesus can rely on others to help him, why can't I? (LIGHTBULB #1)

I also believed (delusionally) that I was in control of situations and my life. Without getting too theological, I believe in free will and an ability to make choices that effect my life. Well, this adoption has taught me that try as I might I am not in control. (LIGHTBULB #2) I can not make things happen (unless of course it is God's plan for my life.)

I don't quite understand why it took me so long to wrap my brain around concepts that are seemingly simple, but I am thankful that God continues to use our adoption as a tool to strengthen me and a way to help me grow in my faith and understanding of Him.

What a weekend!

Ok, I know it is "unofficial," but I do know that we did move down to ...We had a long, but fun weekend. Saturday was the Washington state AGCI picnic. It was nice to see my dear caseworker Christy again (we first met back in January at the winter picnic). It was so incredible to see so many families in all different parts of the process. There were some there working on their dossier (which is where we were at the last picnic) and families that were home with their children.

I got to meet Erin who I only knew through blogs and the family that is right behind us on the list, which was kind of exciting. I got to see people I met back in January, who have been such an inspriation to me along this path like Suzi and Grace and Kristin and Abraham. There were over 100 people at the picnic and most had adopted from Guatemala, Ethiopia, or both. It was so beautiful to see how God had woven these families together into an amazing tapestry that illustrated His perfect love for us.

P.S. I pumped Christy for information, but all she did was smile and laugh. The nerve of that woman! Couldn't she give out some tidbit of information? Just a little breadcrumb? I don't know how she can keep so quiet!!

Number update

I am just a little sad about our new number, because it isn't new at all. It is the same old #10 that I was so excited to see last month. In 5 weeks and 2 days since our last update, we haven't moved an inch. This waiting is sooo hard, but when no progress is being made it seems a bit harder. I have been a little bit in denial about how long this was going to take. We had our hopes on having her home this year. The reality is that we will not receive a referral until after the courts have opened and then travel next year. Having to realize that it will be next year before I get to hold this little girl seems a little depressing at the moment.

And before you all try and make me feel better (because I know you will try!)...My brain knows that God's timing is perfect. I know that if I could somehow rush the process it would not be the little girl that God chose for us. I know these things with my brain. I just can't seem to get my heart to understand them today.

These are just raw emotions of news I just found out. To top it off I feel guilty for feeling this way. By wanting this to happen faster, I feel like I am also trying to rush whatever hard decisions or tragedy my little girl's family will have to face to put her up for adoption.

Yes, this is coming off my last post of "I am ok with the wait." I swear the hormones are raging.

UPDATE: After sitting with the reality for a few hours, I have decided to look at the wait as a gift instead of someone's mean joke!

1) I now know that 2009 will be a great year, because it will be the year we welcome our daughter into our family.

2) This gives me the opportunity to take a few credits in the fall to keep up my teacher certification. This will be much easier to do with only three to take care of instead of four (no, we are not adopting two children-yet-I have to take care of my dreamboat too though)

3) This will give me chance to get my feet wet homeschooling the Bean before I have two to distract when I am working with her!