Staying distracted is proving to be more difficult than anticipated. Everytime I am not thinking about it, the phone rings and there I am thinking about it again.
Praise God though for the reopening of the courts. I am praying that each of you makes it through on your first court date and thus gets your child home as quickly as possible.
So I do not sit around and wallow in my own self-pity too often. Some of you probably wanted to kick me and say "Why are you complaining? You are #1." My brain can rationalize all those things. It knows I have to be here to get to my daughter. I just never thought my heart would get so involved until I met her.
Anyway, yesterday was the first day of Operation Stay Distracted. I realized yesterday that I was not being fully present for my kids. I was spending too much time feeling sad that I don't know my daughter yet. I have two wonderful gifts from God right here and I was not giving them all of me. So yesterday I made a conscious choice to be fully present for them. Now, I will do my best not to be consumed by my sadness, but if I am still waiting in a month you might see another day or two of Eeyore. This may sound weird too, but I am overjoyed it is Friday. There is no pressure over the weekend, because you know the phone will not be ringing and you can just be without jumping if it does or obsessing if it doesn't.
Today my two kiddos and I are headed to the local Children's Museum for a morning of fun. We are going to pick up some friends on the way. I will make sure I have pants on with pockets : ) but will not be distracted by the phone NOT ringing and just enjoy the wonder of my two little ones here.
*I will update this horribly boring pictureless post later and add a few from our morning!
So I am not a big fan of Halloween. At church we always have a big fall festival with carnival games and trunk-or-treating (think trick-or-treating but from decorated cars parked in our church's safe parking lot.) I really find it difficult trying to come up with costumes that the kids will like. We always try and do something that will double as dress-up too, because that is what my kids love to do 24 hours a day. Anyway, Old Navy was having a huge online sale and free shipping, so we got Bug a pirate costume for $15! It just came and of course he had to try it on. He said he is going to be a nice pirate, hence the cheesy grin.
Bean is going to be a ballerina, but likes the eye patch so much she put it on and decided she is a pirate princess.
I love having these two gifts from God to help distract me right now!
I can't tell you enough how wonderful it is to have the support of this community. It makes each day a little easier to get your words of encouragement and I truly appreciate all the prayers. I know, I have only been #1 for a week, but let me tell you #1 is not all it is cracked up to be. There have been moments when I am being Eeyore (my kids are huge Winnie the Pooh fans) and just resting in a gloomy place when I can truly feel God wrap His arms around me. I never knew I could become so emotionally invested in a child I have never met. I praise God for that love, but at the same time it makes the wait very difficult. I truly feel like my heart is not whole anymore, because one of my children is half way across the world. Thank you so much for supporting me during this time. It truly helps bring me peace.
And now two things I wish someone had told me:
1) As Autumn said, I wouldn't wish #1 on my worst enemy. I have only been here one week and I have to say this is the hardest week of my ENTIRE life. You jump every time the phone rings and then get mad if it doesn't. I told my husband I want to be #5 again and just have the call come out of the blue. The anticipation is about more than I can bare. I have such a new respect for anyone who has ever been #1.
2) Don't freak out (like I did) if you get an e-mail from your case worker saying they want to go over a few things with you. They call everyone who is at the bottom of the list to go over what happens when you get a referral. That was probably the most disappointing phone call of my life. I wish I had known that they made them, so I wouldn't have thought it was THE CALL.
I swear my body knows a child is coming. I feel like I am riding an emotional rollercoaster. Regularly, I am pretty even keel, but once I have a baby inside me - it's watch out! I get weepy all the time. My poor husband can't say anything without me ending up in tears. Well, I may not physically be carrying a child this time around, but I sure am emotionally. I think J thought he would get to skip all the emotional stuff since we were adopting. Little did he know. May God continue to grant him patience as he deals with a very excited and very emotional wife!
I have never liked the phone. It is too impersonal to me. I have such a hard time having long conversations with people when I can't see their face and read their emotions. Now for long distance friendships, there is no other way to go. Anyway, I hate when the phone rings and lots of times I don't answer it. Now everything is different. I want the phone to ring and it has been, but Christy is never on the other end. I swear my phone has never rung so much as it did Friday and today.
